Maddening Obsession
by Illumi Senri
Summary: When Edward pass through The Gate, he's been living his life doing his best to find a way to go back to Amestris. Then he met Alfons Heiderich, a rocket scientist who startlingly resembled his beloved brother. Edward find Alfons presence comforting, he learned to love and care for him as he did Al. But unbeknownst to Edward, Alfons feelings for him runs deep and twisted. (Yaoi)
1. Chapter 1

_Edward-san would stare at me, spacing out.. With that beautiful golden eyes of his he would look at me as if in trance.. Sprawled on the on the bed, naked. Discarded clothes strewn on the floor. He would look at me with tenderness and pity.._

_I've lost count how many times did I force myself to Edward-san like this. Forcibly possessing him, violating him, hurting him and he would only let me do as I want because he doesn't see me. He only see the person he love in me, that's why he's tolerating my actions._

_But I love Edward-san, since the first day that I've met him. The feeling that slowly metamorphosed into an ugly obsession. Driven by the desperation of wanting to possessed this beautiful, fascinating and caring person. _

_I want him to be mine, I want to put my brand on him. Even though at the back of my mind, I've always knew that this love is an ugly and misguided thing that slowly driving us both in the corner._

_WHY?! Why Edward-san? Why don't you hate me? Why won't you look at me with loathing and revulsion?!_

_After all the unspeakable things that I've done to you, why do you insist on looking at me like that, those caring and kindness that are not meant for me. Those feelings are meant for your 'brother' and I'm not your brother._

_Please look at me.. I'm begging you.. Please look at me as I am,as Alfons Heiderich.. The person who loves you the most.._

**Germany 1900's**

_Maybe it all started today.._

It was one of those usual sunny mornings. Walking on the street, following my everyday routine, seeing the same scenery. The German refugees littered the streets, falling in the long line of the meager free food supplies, provided by the government. Most of them are homeless, they look defeated and broken.

Hopelessness is very contagious. That's why Alfons Heiderich tried not to look at them as much as not necessary. Quickening his pace, in order to arrive at the empty warehouse that served as a workshop for him and to the rest of his colleagues.

Mindlessly devoting himself to making rockets that would someday reached the moon and the stars. And maybe… Just maybe… HE can make something that will help his beloved country. His beloved Germany that bore the humiliation of signing the Treaty Of Versailles, they might be defeated.. But their spirits are not yet broken.

That's the plan, but reality is not that easy. Germany had fallen on hard times, and even if that's not the case, people that would sponsor and give them sufficient funds are hard to come by. Nobody recognized the importance of rockets yet.

They took pride on being a rocket scientist. Every single one of them studied rocketry under Dr. Hermann Oberth, a renowned doctor and professor who wrote a book about outer space theories and rocketry.

Alfons and his comrades kept working tirelessly because every single one of them dream of the future that eventually, they can create the rocket that will become a breakthrough and contribute a lot in physical science.

But on that day, as Alfons is expertly trying to make use of some metal scraps that they received the other day. One of his colleagues called him over to introduced a new guy.

"Apparently, he's interested in making rockets. He's just about your age. I hope you'll get along" he said, as he motioned Alfons over to a blond guy in ponytail. Currently the only visible thing to Alfons is his back, since he's talking to his other colleagues.

There's only about twenty something people in here and some of them only show up when they want to. Lots of people show interest in rockets but most of them are not interested in making them. That's why, having a new guy is more than welcome amidst these people that are hoping to achieve something.

Alfons is vaguely interested on the guy who took interest in rocket making, the same way that he is interested in people who shared the same interest. When that blond guy in ponytail turned around, Alfons is instantly drawn to that rare gold eyes.

"Ah, uhm.. I'm E-Edward Elric. I'm interested in rockets and the anti gravitational theory of using pressurized gas and expelling large amount of energy that will enable the rocket to soar through the sky" as he said that, he's staring the whole time at Alfons and fidgeting visibly.

Something about those eyes that make Alfons feel like he's being sucked in. The inexplicable feeling of longing and nostalgia. The feeling of being attracted to that person in front of him. Even though he's quite positive that this is the first time that they met.

_Why are you staring at me so…?_

Edward is staring, in his eyes Alfons can somewhat names some emotions that are very apparent on Edward's face. Surprise, recognition, joy and maybe a hint of sadness. In that few seconds, Alfons scrutinized the emotions of the person in front of him.

"I'm Alfons Heiderich, we're all students of Dr. Hermann Oberth. I hope you'll be with us from now on" he automatically hold his right hand up for handshake and Edward shook the hand offered to him immediately. The hardness and coldness of Edward's right hand registered to Alfons immediately and he looked at Edward quizzically.

"Ah, my bad. My right hand is only an automail-I mean prosthetic. Yeah, prosthetic, that's right." Edward who never get at loss for word and who always blurted out what's on his mind without second thought is being unnecessarily tense and stumble on the words to say.

_Crap, this is the worst first impression to give ever.. Of all days, why now?! I'm not yet ready..!_

Edward is inwardly panicking right now. Since he came to this world called Earth a few months back, he already met countless people who looked like his friends and acquaintances in Amestris. Like Lieutenant Colonel Maes Hughes that almost gave him a heart attack only to be reminded that he's no longer in Amestris anymore but in an entirely different world, the world beyond The Gate.

That's why he's expecting, almost anticipating the day that he would meet somebody who looked a lot like Al, his beloved brother. But he didn't expect that meeting to happen today, right now of all times..! He doesn't know what to say, how to act and stuff to give a good impression.

But it was quite a shock to meet this person called Alfons Heiderich. He startlingly resembles Al, the height, the body built, the hair, the voice and even his gesture and the polite way he talk, the innocent way he smiled and Edward could tell already that he's a kind and caring soul like Al. Except his eyes in the shade of Euclase(silicate crystal) blue.

"Really, that's a prosthetic? That's amazing.! It looked and moved like real..! The mechanism is interesting, where did you get that?" Alfons asked enthusiastically, the scientist in him kicking in. The weirdness in Edward's speech and gestures went unnoticed.

Since everybody else in the warehouse are busy doing their individual work, nobody is really paying attention to their conversation, but Edward still find it a kind of invasion to his privacy to have somebody look at his prosthetic and to be followed by questions why did he lost his limbs. So he motioned Alfons in a corner where they are away from everybody else.

If it were any other person asking about those things, Edward's temper would easily get ahead of him and he'll immediately tell the other person to get lost. But this is Alfons, the person that resembled his brother so much it fills him with longing. That's why he tried to explain as much as he can understand, the mechanism of those prosthetics that his dad, Hohenheim made.

He lost his automail that he got from Winry when he pass through The Gate. His dad made those well made prosthetics. "The brain still send some signals through the nerves that connect this artificial limbs. Though I don't fully understand the whole mechanism. My dad made them." As he said that, Alfons notice that Edward is proud but at the same time lonely.

Alfons had enough tact not to ask how or why Edward lost those limbs. Or why he seemed so lonely when his dad is mentioned. Instead they started conversing about rocket and outer space theories that somewhat lessened Edward's nervousness and apprehension.

For the first time, Alfons glimpsed a very intelligent and exceptionally gifted person in Edward. According to him, he only read the books of Dr. Hermann Oberth. But the depth of his understanding and opinions are deeper than Alfons, its daunting. Alfons took an immediate interest in Edward after that.

Although Alfons noticed Edward looking at him in a way make him feel being scrutinized and observed, he also feel that he's being exceptionally nice and caring only to him alone that made him feel somewhat special and elated. Though its weird considering that they only met for the first time.

Both of them not knowing how the wheels of fate will twist and intertwine them together in a way that neither of them expected but something that's already been nagging Alfons from the back of his mind from the very start.

**DISCLAIMERS:**

**Yep, I don't own FMA. Anybody who love Elricest?^_^ The spelling of Alfons Heiderich is based on FMA wiki.**

**Ah well, I don't plan to keep writing and continue this story if I didn't get a single review. I mean, no reviews means nobody wants to read them right? What's the point? I'm not even sure if this pairing is well liked, but I love them. I just wrote this one whimsically. If you're interested, please leave some reviews. Even constructive criticisms are very much welcome. Thanks for reading^_^**


	2. Chapter 2

_The thing that writhed and crawl on the floor, bloody and mangled. Bones jutting out, joints are sprawled in an angle inhumanly impossible. The smell of sulfur and decay contaminating the air, the urge to become violently sick is so overpowering.._

"_E-Ed…E-Ed… I-Its me.. Y-Your mom.."The thing on the floor kept coming towards him._

_Edward is overcome with revulsion he tried to run only to realize that he only got his right leg and left hand, he's on a bloody mess. His blood quickly ebbing away from him. And Al ,standing in front of him in his imposing metal armor. He's bleeding to death and Al is just standing there watching him._

"_Its your fault nii-san.. Everything is your fault.. You made mom like that and you made me like this. Everything is your fault." Alphonse said in a voice completely devoid of emotion._

"_I'm sorry! I'm sorry Al! Yes its all my fault! Please forgive me." Edward could only beg at his brother. Unable to deny the accusation. Of course its his fault, all of it. There's no side stepping the fact that he coerced his good natured younger brother into committing that taboo. He's the older one, he should know better. But he instigated it._

_And Al, his poor beloved brother. Innocent and caring took the brunt of it and lose everything. If only his sin could be forgiven just by bleeding to death then he doesn't mind dying right here right now. If only his death would absolved all of his sins then death is such a cheap payment._

"_Al… I'm sorry Al… I'm sorry…"_

**1900's SS Deutschland Transatlantic Ship**

Again, Alfons heard Edward muttering in his sleep that night. As they shared the same cabin on SS Deutschland ship sailing from Germany to Romania. As Alfons have always expected ever since he first met Edward, he became a promising student that when Dr. Hermann Oberth visited Germany took an interest in Edward on their brief meeting and insisted on taking him as pupil.

That excellent doctor and physicist took a liking to Edward didn't come as a surprise to anybody on their group. Edward is a fast learner with a sharp mind, Alfons couldn't even begin to measure his intelligence and expertise. What come as a surprise is that Dr. Oberth also wanted Alfons too. For a while when Dr. Oberth is still living in Munich, he taught everybody on their group about his theories of outer space and rocketry. Everybody is eager to learn. Dr. Oberth even named them Verein fur Raumschiffahrt(Society For Space Travel)

But the war broke out and Dr. Hermann's whole family moved in Romania. Even though he's no longer in Germany, everybody kept pursuing Dr. Oberth's theory. Since their numbers are dwindling they can no longer be called society. Alfons is the youngest among their group and he didn't get to study much under the renowned Dr. Oberth. Most of his knowledge came from his older colleagues. And now he want Alfons and Edward to come with him in Romania in a month long transatlantic ship voyage. Then study rocketry, astronautics and physics with him. For who knows how long.

Everybody on their group are hoping that they could recruit more members now that the damages cause by war are disappearing. Everybody is recovering. Even the country is recovering. A new era may be coming. Where rockets will make a significant contribution.

This is a once in a lifetime experience that Alfons wouldn't miss for the world. Transatlantic voyages is not unheard of but its not very common. Added from his meager experienced. Although what he didn't expect is that his expected wonderful journey filled with interesting experience is actually very tedious. Sea sickness is one of the countless discomforts he experienced.

Edward have been so nice to him as to clean up after Alfons when he got violently sick on their cabin and he even change his clothes and dispersed sponge baths during the first few days that Alfons couldn't move without getting sick to his stomach. He was grateful to Edward for taking care of him even though he's not obligated to go as far washing his soiled clothes and help him with almost everything when he couldn't moved.

He was at first embarrassed. "I'm sorry for causing you so much trouble, Edward-san.." Alfonse looking downcast for making Edward do all this. But Edward just smiled at him. Alfons wanted to know so badly what is the reason behind that smile cause surely its not because he's violently sick that's why Edward is smiling, right?

"No worries. Seasickness is very common condition in which a disagreement exists between visually perceived movement and vestibular system's sense of movement. Vomiting is a psychological defense mechanism for resolving conflicts from of vision and balance. Your inner ear detect motion but your vison doesn't see anything moving…" Edward gave Alfons a ginger to chew.

_That's not the point though. Common or uncommon, you're not obligated to take care of me, but you're being awfully nice its confusing ._Alfons thought, but didn't say anything about it. Intead he asked Edward "Are you sure this is effective?" Indicating the pieces of ginger that Edward want him to chew.

"Of course, for now. You'll get used to it in few days you won't get seasick anymore because you'll adapt. About the ginger, the properties of ginger is a perfect stimulant….." And thus, there goes Edward's long and winded discussion about the ginger's effects, how useful it is and the history of how ancient sailors used ginger since time immemorial.

Listening to Edward talking, totally distract Alfons to the discomfort of seasickness. Its amusing how a simple topic like ginger will become very scientific and convincing coming from Edward's mouth. You can almost make a thesis out of Edward's long ranting just to force him to chew the stuff. And later Edward even made a ginger tea for him. Also making sure that he's drinking plenty of water.

Alfons is almost glad of being sick, seeing Edward's side like this. Being nice and caring almost made all the discomfort and sickness so much worth it. Nobody cared for him like this before as far as he can remember. Not a word of complain can be heard from Edward.

Edward would sometimes wake up even in the middle of the night just to assist Alfons from vomiting. Walking him towards the bathroom. Meticulously picking the food he'll eat. The black circles under his eyes is getting prominent. Edward clearly doesn't get much sleep from looking after him all these time.

Though the way Edward looked at him seemed strange and a bit disturbing sometimes. Like Edward is almost glad about his sickness or how he enjoyed doting upon him. Taking care of him unconditionally. Something about Edward's action made Alfons think that Edward is somewhat doing things not for him but for himself.

**4 Days Later**

As Edward said a few days ago, he'll adapt. So he did. He could clearly see the relief from Edward's face although he wouldn't say as much. Edward is the kind of person who wouldn't vocalize his feeling of affection. Thanks to Edward, he became well enough a few days later.

He's glad that he's travelling with this special person. Edward is interesting in many aspects. Edward is also unusual in a lot of ways, like how Edward tends to explain the scientific basis of lots of things. Edward always justifies everything base on science. Alfons always convinced himself that his interest and curiosity towards Edward is a mere feeling of a scientist who discovered a new thing. In any case, Alfons is fascinated.

For the most part, Edward is extremely nice to Alfons. But he's very casual or formal with anybody else. He doesn't talk about himself. He only answers personal questions when Alfons asked. It was a big in contrast to how he usually is when he's with Alfons. Anybody else would either receive a mysterious smile or a change of topic from Edward. Somehow, it made Alfons happy that only him and him alone that Edward can open up to. Even just a bit.

But at that time, Alfons didn't quite yet understand just how special Edward really is. He doesn't ask too many personal questions either. Edward is a very mysterious person. He doesn't get close or even desired to get close to anybody except him. The answer to that mystery eludes Alfons and many times he wanted to ask Edward but he would chicken out to the last minute.

He wanted to know everything there is to know about this person before him. The person that draws him in. He never got around into rationalizing his feelings for Edward. But being with him feels as natural as breathing. Being close to him made him feel that he's complete. Just being with Edward, talking to him, eating with him or just simply breathing the same air as him made Alfons feel sated.

It was irrational, the way he feel about Edward ever since the first time they met. As if he's being gravitated towards Edward. And what's more strange is that Alfons is positive that Edward also somewhat feels the same. The intensity of longing when they're not together.

Alfons didn't understand anything, until now…

"Al I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. It's all my fault.." Edward mumbled quite loudly for Alfons to hear. Their single bed are not too far from each other in that small and airless cabin. Edward is tossing in his sleep. Clearly having nightmare. Its been a week since they board the ship. Sharing the cabin since then. Edward tossed a lot but this is the first time he's mumbling something.

Alfons estimated the time to be around past midnight. He got up reluctantly from his bed to wake Edward up. He sit on Edward's hard wooden bed and gently prodding him awake. When Edward suddenly opened his eyes filled with tears, Alfons was startled.

That beautiful golden eyes of Edward is filled with tears. He didn't stop crying even after he woke up. Soaking in his perspiration . He cling to Alfons with his remaining left arm, he removed prosthetics before he sleep. He clung to Alfons as if his life depended on it.

"I'm sorry Al, I'm so sorry. Please don't hate me. I'm sorry its all my fault. Everything is my fault. I killed mom the second time, Its my fault that you lost your body. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Clearly, Edward still couldn't differentiate his dream from reality. Seeing Alfons made him think that its his brother and he have to apologize.

After the initial shock, Alfons recovered. He held Edward back. Although he couldn't understand what Edward is apologizing about, he found it within himself the need to comfort this person who seemed so weak and desperate. A big contradiction to the usual serious, mature and intelligent Edward that everybody knows about.

Seeing Edward, crying and clinging to him like a child stirred something within Alfons. A feeling that he couldn't quite name yet. Up until then, he's positive that to him Edward is just an important friend, a colleague, a person who shared the same interest. But Alfons finally noticed that Edward is more than that. His instincts told him differently.

To hold him close, to feel his warmth, to smell his scent, to caress his long silky hair that he always left unbound when he slept. Everything felt natural. The irrational longing of Edward. Touch him more. Feel him more.

_I want to touch Edward-san… I want to feel him more…_

The realization hit Alfons with such a force that he almost pushed Edward away. Except he want this too. Edward's back and forehead clammy with sweat, but he didn't mind. As long as he can touch Edward. As long as he can stay by his side.

_I want Edward-san.._

Although Alfons didn't quite yet understand what exactly did he want to do with Edward. The weight of his desire to keep holding this person is so intense its almost painful. As if Edward's unknown nightmare and anguish is somewhat affecting him too.

Alfons have always knew that Edward is hiding something big behind his caring and friendly façade that he always show Alfons. But at the same time, he's terrified of knowing the answer. Afraid to rationalize the reason why Edward care for him so much. Alfons just simply wanted to believe that Edward genuinely care for him. Reasons don't matter.

"I'm here, Edward-san. I'm right here. I won't leave you" The soothing words coming out of Alfons mouth is so natural and sincere. That seemed to calm Edward down for a bit. Then Edward broke free from clinging to Alfons.

He touched Alfons face with his left hand, tracing his cheekbones, his jaw, his ears and playing with some strands of his blond hair. Edward's hands continue tracing down his neck, shoulder and stopping at his chest. Those touch somewhat made Alfons feel the sensation of being mildly electrified. Though this kind of sensation is pleasant not painful.

Edward leaned the side of his face on Alfons chest. Then he realized that Edward is listening for his heartbeats."I can hear your heartbeat, Al. I can also feel your warmth. I was terrified that I might've made some mistake and you didn't make it. I'm so glad." Edward said in that gentle way that Alfons didn't think Edward is capable of.

Then Alfons realized based on Edward's coherent and gentle speech that Edward is still somewhat dreaming. He's not seeing Alfons but the person he called Al. In that small cabin where the only light came from a small lamp, the light is plenty enough to illuminate Edward's face.

Edward is smiling gently. An expression that he never showed Alfons before. Peering closely, Edward's eyes had that glazed look. He's not looking at Alfons but to somebody else entirely. Somebody that he had mistake Alfons for. That person he called Al.

In that moment, Alfons felt an inexplicable hatred for that person that Edward calls Al. That person that this Edward, so strong, so intelligent, so beautiful and special is crying over for. That person that Edward is gentle to. That person that Edward truly loves.

_What am I to you Edward-san?_

Alfons would have been happier he had not realized those things. He would have been happier had he not pried too deeply. He would have been happier if he didn't questions kindness towards him. But it seemed like every pieces of information is falling into place in Alfons mind.

Those pieces of information that leave him negative. The jealousy that sprung up out of nowhere. The inexplicable hatred that slowly taking root as he look at this person before him. This person that should have been his, given the time.

_I hate him.._

_I loathe him.._

_I curse him.._

The negative emotions that get a hold of Al as he hold Edward gently in his arms is so strong its blinding. Alfons never felt something more profound than this feeling toward Edward. The feelings of desire. To possessed him. To make him his.

That night, a very significant change took place in Alfons. Something irreversible and inevitable. Something bound to happen sooner or later.

**DISCLAIMERS:**

**I don't own FMA…**

**Uwaahh, I'm so touched. Thanks for the reviews. I don't feel confident in writing this story. Since Elricest pairing is being criticized all the time. Please feel free to correct my mistakes. Constructive criticisms are very much welcome. If anybody still likes how this story is going please leave some reviews. I don't feel confident without reviews. I mean, numbers can only mean so much right? I wouldn't know if they like the story or not.**

**I like to build up Alfons character. I want to create some justifications on how he became twisted and possessive. Am I still going down the right path? Anybody here who wants to see some raw sadisms coming from Alfons? Your thoughts will be deeply appreciated. Thanks for reading^_^**


	3. Chapter 3

_My only wish is to see my brother Alphonse once again. For a long period of time, ever since he was born we have been together. Our bond is not limited by our blood tie. For a time our souls are connected. Now that Alphonse is no longer part of me, I feel empty…_

_I can no longer share his pain…_

_I can no longer sense his emotions…_

_I can no longer feel his affections…_

_Al is the other half of my soul. We share our pain, our burden, our happiness and our desires. But now that he's no longer part of me, now that we are no longer one and we became a completely separate entity…_

_There's nothing left inside me but this void emptiness.._

_Consuming me and eating me alive. Perhaps I'll never feel complete again for the rest of my life. As soon as Al's soul broke away from mine, I realized right away. Because he's a part of me, he's my other half and we are one._

_I was ripped into two. The excruciating pain of losing my two limbs couldn't even begin to measure up with the agony of being separated from Alphonse. It was ironic how my greatest wish, my purpose in life and the goal I worked hard for became fulfilled. To restore Al's body. And at the same moment, lose him. Maybe this time, permanently._

_I just need something to believe in, I just need something to hold onto, I just wanted to chase after the meager hope left within me._

_I want to see Al.._

_I want to be with Al.._

_This emotional agony is almost affecting my physical well-being. I spend my every waking hour just thinking of Al. I couldn't even sleep at night. When I do sleep, I am wracked with nightmares that left me with a heavy feeling. Half expecting to feel the comfort of that cold metal armor that used to be my brother's body._

_When I woke up in the middle of the night, my eyes would automatically seek that big armor. Al, my sweet little brother who can no longer sleep, would watch over me the whole time. Who would tap me awake when I'm having bad dreams. Who would patiently braid my hair. Who would worry about my daily life. As if he's got no worries of his own._

_I can't take it anymore…_

_And the worst thing is, I had no way of knowing for sure if you survive. The only thing I remembered, is the feeling of my soul being ripped in two. Accompany by the feeling of loss. Even death is more than welcome than this endless agony. To be away from Alphonse is a fate far worse than death._

_What if Al didn't make it? What if I mess up? What if I didn't succeed in restoring his body? What if Alphonse lost a limb or two? What if Alphonse is already dead? And I just refused to accept it. The same way I had refused to accept that mom died back then._

_The endless what if's kept tormenting me every single day, every single hour, every single minute. That sometimes I had to curse this prodigious mind of mine that is capable of contemplating a million reasons why I might have failed, a thousand ways that he died. Then I would come back to dreaming that failed transmutation that is supposed to be mom._

_Then I'll be tormented once again by the thought that you somehow ended up like mom did back then. The hideous appearance of our sin. It is a befitting end for a failure of a brother like me, who couldn't even begin to know how to make it up to Alphonse. I made him like that. Its my fault. Yet I only lost my limbs and Al lost everything._

_I wanted to just simply curl up in the ditch and die. But I know I wouldn't do it, until I know for sure that you made it back successfully alive. In this world without alchemy, I have to find other ways to make it back. That's why I have to keep moving forward. _

_Then I met Alfons Heiderich. He's the very embodiment of how Alphonse would be, how Alphonse would look like, how Alphonse would have live if he made it. I know that's how Al would have looked like. Because I always saw Al's body waiting in front of the gate in my dreams. I used to find those dreams disturbing and meaningless. But I feel it in my soul that it is real. But I kept those dreams or visions to myself because I don't want to raise Al's hopes unnecessarily. _

_That's why when I met Alfons, I so desperately wanted to hold him. To keep him close. To feel his body heat. To smell his scent. To ruffled his blond hair that is identical to mine. Being with him somehow muted the endless torment of my imagination. I can sleep normally, and only have occasional nightmares because his existence is giving me hope._

_Even though I know he's not my brother, I couldn't help the surging of my emotions. My affections that supposed to go to Al are being unconsciously given to Alfons. I was so lonely. So alone. That I would cling to even a bit of hope and sliver of happiness._

_And somehow, my reasoning is becoming dull and I started thinking that Alfons is my little brother. I must've have been losing my mind. Or maybe this world is just a dream I can't wake up from. If that's the case then Alfons could be just a fragment of my imagination. Then in this world he could be Al. If that thought could save me from this torment, then I would willingly cling to that belief._

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**1900's SS Deutschland Transatlantic Ship**

Edward started studying rocketry because he's hoping to find a way to go back using science instead of alchemy. On the contrary to what people think, Dr. Hermann Oberth chose him because he study hard enough to be chosen. He put some effort. That's all.

Travelling by means of ship for the first time means adventure to Edward. Something that soothed his restless soul. He used to travel all the time with Alphonse all over Amestris to find some clues regarding the philosopher's stone. Now that he lost the purpose and the companion, he got no reason to keep travelling or enjoy travelling anymore.

But he seemed to genuinely like travelling all in all. The feeling of travelling across the vast ocean is something new. Except that he became dead worried when Alfons became violently sick almost an hour after they set sail. Edward read a lot of books so he knew what sea sickness is. In fact most of the basic ailments and first aids is something he's very familiar of because of reading too many books.

Although he never had a chance to used that knowledge to take care of somebody else because Alphonse as an armor never got sick. In fact its him that Alphonse always got stuck into taking care of when his automail hurts or when he's sick. So as to not cause Al some unnecessary trouble he trained his body vigorously so he wouldn't get sick as much and when his automail hurts, he wouldn't tell Al or he would be worried.

Funny Al should be worried about himself more. Every time that Al would show some concern to him, he would sink another foot, from the guilt that's been drowning him the whole time. Al, his brother who couldn't feel anything anymore, who was forced to abandon his childhood and innocence because of Edward's blunder is worried about him. Its beyond sad.

Alfons being sick right now is a kind of touching experience to Edward. Although in any occasion, he ought to be worried, well Edward is worried but glad at the same time. Its like being given a chance to take care of Al this time around. Like some kind of atonement.

"I'm sorry for the trouble Edward-san." Alfons said as he lay limp in the bed on his on their cabin. Edward feeding him some rice gruel that would help his queasy stomach to calm down. And at the same time keep him plenty hydrated. Along with some lime, before he contracted something serious like scurvy which is common to people who spend time in the ocean for a long period of time because fruits perished quickly.

And Alfons had to ask every single thing before he put anything in his mouth like ginger and Edward would be all for explanation. He was glad for those little things to. Something like the conversation that he would have with Al for sure. The arguments, the easy banter and the comfortable silence.

Alfons and Al couldn't be that different. Except the way that Alfons calls him 'Edward-san' that would easily jolted him to the realization that Alfons is not his brother. Though even knowing that, he couldn't help but care for Alfons and give him affections as he would Al. The similarities are so hard to ignore that sometimes he's somewhat contemplating of giving up of going home and just live the rest of his life with Alfons.

"No, its no trouble at all. Just get well soon okay.." Edward said as he instinctively patted Alfons head. And Alfons looked at him questioningly and Edward jerked his hand back to his side. He's weirding Alfon's out. He had to cut it out.

As Edward is giving Alfons some sponge bath to make him feel better, Edward couldn't help but wonder if Al's body would've turn out the same way. The smooth and unblemished pale skin. The soft blond hair that mirrored his own. The way he tilted his head and his gestures so very much like Al.

But he kind of doubted it when it comes to body built. Alfons would be just as muscular as Ed for sure. For following their master Izumi Curtis teaching that 'To train one's spirit, first train the body' that he and Al religiously followed. Wherein Alfons is lanky and thin, for staying indoors and making rockets most of the time.

"Edward-san, what's the matter?" Alfons asked. And Edward belatedly realized that he's spacing out while helping Alfons wear his clothes. His face reddened as he realized that. But Alfons may be too sick to even care so he didn't think about it too much.

A few days later, Alfons recovered. So much to Edward's relief, Alfons got better. Despite telling Alfons repeatedly that he'll adapt, Edward is still worried. Everything should've been going well until that night. He dreamed about their mutilated mom and Al as armor.

He woke up when Alfons prodded him awake. At the back of his mind, he knows that Alfons is not his brother. Edward knows that and yet that didn't stop him from calling Alfons 'Al' as he would call his brother. He should know better but he cling to Al, shaking and sobbing.

That particular dream that he kept having before, and Al even as an armor would hold him. And Edward would hold him back. And he would always found comfort from that cold and solid body. Al would clumsily hold him and he would end up with sore body and bruises at some places because Al don't feel any sensation and he's now aware that he's hurting Edward. He doesn't feel pain and he doesn't feel any discomfort either. And even though it hurt Edward physically, to him Al's clumsy touch is still the best comfort in the world.

And now Edward is reveling in that luxury of feeling Alfons's bare skin to his own. To inhale Alfon's intoxicating scent and feel his comfort. Somehow, the peculiar situation and his vulnerability somewhat contaminated Alfons. And in that single instant, something within him changes and Edward didn't realized that until sometime later.

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As Alfons hold Edward in his arms he was overcome with the raging desire of making Edward look at him. Call his name and not mistake him for the person he called Al. That black rage that slowly consuming him from the inside.

_I'm here, please look at me…_

Alfons is gripped by the sadness and desire for this person he now holds in his arms. And he did something he would probably regret tomorrow when wake up. "Calm down, Edward-san. I'll help you relax." He said as he fumbled for the handkerchief he always carry with him..

Deftly folding it and use it to cover Edward's glorious golden eyes that seemed to shimmer in the dark with tears. "Wh-What are you doing?" Edward asked, fidgeting a little but made no move to stop him. Still shaking badly and sweating profusely. He breathes erratically.

Alfons right hand tracing Edward's face. Smoothing his furrowed brows with his fingers. "SSshhh… Just trust me, Edward-san. I'll make you feel better.." He whispered in a soft voice that made Edward stopped questioning Alfons.

He made Edward lay in the bed comfortably. His hands tracing Edward's collarbone that is a bit exposed from the black v-neck sleeveless shirt that Edward always wore when sleeping. His left hand caressing Edward's long hair. And his right hand slowly traced Edward's well-toned body. He can feel Edward's abdominal muscles, something that can only be acquired by training rigorously every single day for a long period of time.

Going lower until he reached Edward's member that's still currently asleep and unaware. Alfons stroke it softly and Edward reflexively grabbed his wrist. "Edward-san, I told you to trust me. Just relax and make yourself comfortable." Edward lose his gripped on Alfons wrist and after he made sure that Edward won't protest anymore, he unzipped Edward's pants.

Stroking him directly. Edward is moaning softly. His only hand, grabbing the Alfons's left hand. His grip growing tighter as Alfons's kept stroking him, his soft moan that drives Alfons to the edge. His mind went blank. Caught on the insanity. Doing something he thought he would never do.

Then Edward, nearing climax, shuddered. Spurting all of the fluids to Alfons's right hand. Edward lay there panting. The blindfold still obscured his sight and Alfons didn't bother removing the handkerchief. He slowly got up from Edward's bed and taking a look at Edward's form. Lying on the bed, spent. He's no longer shaking and he's breathing normally.

It seemed like Edward is slowly starting to feel drowsy. He'll be asleep in a moment. While Alfonse would be awake for the rest of the night. He sit on the edge of his own bed that's only directly opposite from Edward's a few feet away. Instinctively, he started licking his right hand, wet with Edward's sticky cum. The sharp taste that he wouldn't forget so easily.

What he did is clearly so out of character that he almost curled up in shame. But he doesn't feel any regret. It was something he had always longed to do and for the first time he became true to himself and he acted upon his impulse.

He stared at the opposite bed where Edward's breathing became regular. He's probably asleep already. And Alfons, dreading the coming day probably wouldn't sleep a wink tonight. But no matter how much he asked himself, he still didn't regret what he did. His rage about this unknown person that Edward probably thinks of, abated a little but didn't disappear.

_Edward-san, please look at me…_

**DISCLAIMERS:**

**Thank you for reading. Okay, that's only a teaser. Just a mere tip of an iceberg, as they said. As I said before, there's going to be raw sadisms that most likely involved ropes, blood and rape. That is, if I got reviews that they want to see such thing, no reviews means not interested right.? Or maybe not their cup of tea. If readers enjoyed it, please leave some reviews. If you don't and find it revolting, please tell me. I'll update another chapter right away if I got more reviews telling me they like where the story is going. So please tell me if I'm still going down the right path. I'm changing it to rated m too.**

**And for the record, the name of the ship came from a real German transatlantic ship, you can google it. Dr. Hermann Oberth is also a real person. I found out about other stuff, just to add substance to the story. Feel free to correct my mistakes. Constructive criticisms and suggestions is also very much welcome. Once again, thanks for reading.**


	4. Chapter 4

_My earliest memory of feeling that hated desire is one rainy morning when I was a mere thirteen years old. I couldn't forget that day, the first time I experienced physical release for the first time. Even when my mind is protesting, there is nothing to be done about it._

_How weak an average human male is. Slave to desires. Slave to the physical release. Slave to the needs. It was something I have no right to take part in. Its not right, something is not right. I have no right to feel pleasure and release when Alphonse, my brother couldn't even do it.._

_I am the one who deprived Al these simple pleasure that he's suppose to have…._

_Its all my fault that Al couldn't even feel anything, not pain or pleasure. Its all my fault, I made him like that. And every time I see that suit of armor that is my brother, it clearly testifies my responsibility and the sin I had committed. Alphonse current body is the incarnation of my sin, for encroaching the territory of humans, for seeing something I'm not supposed to see._

_I couldn't apologize enough. I would gladly die for Alphonse if that would make everything alright. He's my world and my only family. He is my brother. I couldn't stand the seeing him in his current body. That piece of armor. That piece of junk._

_That's why I have no right to feel humanly pleasure, to revel into luxury, to eat delicious food, to sleep as I want to. I want to deprive myself of everything that Al couldn't have on his current condition. I have no right to feel anything. Its all my fault. Everything is my fault. As atonement, I would deprive myself of this pleasure._

_That Day.._

_I've been feeling it for a few days now. I don't even want to think about it if I can help it. But my body refused to obey me. This insistent, gnawing desires clawing into me. I know what this is, after reading way too many books. But there's no way in hell that I'll do it. Al couldn't do it, so I have no right._

_I tried to calm myself down by repeatedly taking a cold shower, but Al as observant and caring as he is easily noticed this peculiarities and my strange behavior. The seventh time I entered the bathroom to take an extremely cold shower. My automail hurts like hell but I don't mind. Even pain is welcome at this point. Anything that could make this need go away. My conscience will never let me have the kind of release that I needed._

_But Al entered the bathroom without knocking. "You forgot your towel. Nii-san, what's wrong? You've been acting weird lately. Are you sick?" Alphonse said, his voice laced with concern. And I quickly lost my composure. I crossed the distance between us and flung my naked self on his cold metal body._

"_Nii-san? What is it?" Al motioned me out of the bathroom and toweled my hair dry. AS I told him what's wrong. As I told him why I refused to deal with it. And like an all knowing mother he chided me. "Geez, Nii-san.. That's a normal bodily function. Why must you torture yourself? I know that you feel guilty and all but that's no reason for you to do this to yourself."_

_The cold metal that I've been clinging on gives me a comfort that nobody else could understand. Revealing everything to Al. Telling him everything released me in the torment of keeping secret from him. There's an unspoken rule between us. No secret._

_After Al toweled my hair dry, he made me sit on his lap. His metal and leather big hand gently caressed that angry flesh between my thighs. I gasped in surprised as a sudden pleasure shot through my veins. "Wh-What are you doing Al?!" I said, trying to struggle, but his left hand put me in place._

"_I'm just helping you relax. You're being unnecessarily stubborn. And holding it back is not good for your body or so I've read somewhere." Al said in a voice like he's having a normal conversation that got nothing to do with my sexual needs. He kept stroking my shaft._

"_B-But…" The protest already died at the back of my mind before I could even voice it out. The feeling of Al's hand on my most private place is all I could think about. The coldness of the metal behind my back, the solid metal thighs of Al that I grasped in throes of passion. My involuntary moans that seemed to escaped my lips without me even knowing or noticing.._

"_Al… Al.. Al….. Aaalll…!" I writhe and shudder beneath Al's gentle stroke. He was silent the whole time. When I finally gasped at the end of it, shuddering involuntarily, cum dripped on his metal hands. I was so overcome with shame that for a moment I couldn't bring myself to turn my head around and look at Al._

"_This… This seems so wrong.." I said, pathetically. I just made my twelve years old brother do something unspeakable. Really, just how far am I going to fall? Is it really necessary to drag my beloved person down with me?_

"_On what grounds brother? Morally? Religiously? We are no longer bound by such things. And we don't believe in god either." Al pointed out to me in a mature tone of voice that left me no room for argument. He does have a point. How could a twelve year old bested me in an argument? I didn't even notice that Al is growing up._

_I almost forgot what happens next. Just the memory of being lulled to sleep by the comfort of Al's metal limbs. The comfort that nobody else would understand. These feelings are mine and mine alone. My brother is everything to me._

As Edward stare at the sleeping form of Alfons Heiderich on the other bed, he reminisced that particular incident between him and Al years and years ago. He now remember the thing so vividly. The memory of Al as an armor is both painful and comfort to him.

What transpired between him and Alfons the night before is something like a dream to Edward. He couldn't even tell what's dream or reality anymore as they both melded together in his mind and in his memories.

Its hard not to think of Alfons as Al. Their similarities didn't simply stop in physical appearances, mannerisms and gestures. Even their way of thinking is somewhat alike too. Ruled by a flawed logic that anything and everything is fine if its for Edward.

Edward got up and started wearing his prosthetics. Moving gently so as to not woke Alfons up. HE already caused too much trouble the night before and the least he can do is let Alfons have his sleep. And besides, its still too early, around five in the morning.

Edward is used to getting up this early because of the daily exercise that he and Al so rigorously followed. The routine that never died down, no matter what. He decided not to think too much about it. He walk on to the deck above and started his exercise from his one hand push-ups.

He already decided to move forward. No matter what happens, he'll find a way to see Alphonse again. But he wouldn't deny himself the comfort of having the other Al around. That made Edward a bit guilty for a lots of reason. And one of them is that every time he saw Alfons, he was torn between the utmost feeling of love and the feelings of guilt and remorse.

Edward had always wanted to atone to all of his sins. Seeing Alfons, being able to care for him is like another form of atonement and at the same time a cruel punishment. He's the living ideal form of Edward's bother. But he was not Al. He was someone else. And he had to make do with the fact that he had to keep his distance.

But he couldn't help himself. He's falling deeper. Sinking deeper. This love that's slowly eating him. The things that couldn't be good in a long run. Because Edward is aware more than anybody that he's just deceiving himself. Sooner or later, he had to wake up…

**Disclaimers:**

**I don't own FMA. Thanks for reading…**

**Ah well, what do you think? Is anybody still reading this? IF anybody is still reading this, please review and tell me what you think. Constructive criticisms are very much welcome.**


	5. Chapter 5

A cold draft of sea air is a little bit painful for Alfons lungs. He'd never been one of the healthiest people around, but the sea breeze is added a bit to his discomfort. The coughs and pains are becoming more frequent, but he's doing his best not to let Edward notice. Its already enough that he cause Edward too much trouble because of his sea sickness. If Edward became aware of his coughing and weak lungs, he'll become a total weakling in front of him.

He didn't get to sleep that night. Worrying about tomorrow, what will happen after last night? He remembered everything that transpired between him and Edward the night before. He also saw a side of Edward that he had never seen before. The vulnerability and the weaknesses of that great person that he'd always admired, because of his brilliant mind, strong charisma and quiet charm.

He was enveloped by a quiet rage that erupted and pushed him to just do what he did the night before. The impulse that he wasn't able to control. And now, he's worrying about its as he watched Edward sleeping on the other bed.

Even in sleep, Edward is unbelievably beautiful in Alfons eyes. Even if he spends his whole life just watching that person is enough to make him feel somewhat filled and satisfied. Alfons didn't notice how many hours he had been watching Edward.

Edward stirred on the bed, Alfons pretended to be asleep. But he observed Edward as he got up and put his prosthetics on himself. An action that he never witnessed before, because Edward always woke up before him. Usually when he woke up, Edward is already gone from his tidy bed. Then he'll be wondering on the public facilities for a while but Edward would only show up to eat breakfast on mid morning.

Alfons always wondered where Edward went every morning but too polite to ask him about it. One of the countless things he didn't know about Edward. But seeing him like this from his half closed eyes, he saw the private time of Edward where he monotonously done this action, every morning. There's something mesmerizing and familiar with it. But he didn't know why. Edward is the first amputee Alfons is acquainted with.

He immediately stopped wondering about those things when Edward got up still on his comfortable sleeping clothes and he took some of his everyday clothes from his luggage next to the bed and exit the room without changing from his sleeping clothes.

That pique Alfons interest and he got up to follow Edward right after the sounds of his footsteps slowly died down. He hurriedly put his shoes on and threw open the door. He tried to walk as silently as he can and he finally caught up to Edward, going to the open deck. The cold wind hit Alfons, even though he's fully clad in his everyday clothing. He didn't realized how early it is, the sun isn't even visible from the horizon yet.

But the biting cold wind didn't seem so have any effect on Edward whatsoever. Obscured by the darkness and Alfons witnessed him taking off his clothes and started a series of exercises. Starting from a simple warm-up like head rotation to a more complex exercise. Unbelievable number of left hand push up and abdominal crunch, that left Alfons as an observer his mouth hanging open. He's practically speechless.

He had no idea that this person with the vast amount of knowledge he possessed and scientific mind that is so apparent to anybody, put so much effort in building his physical strength. Somehow seeing Edward like that is something very odd. He always thought that Edward's knowledge came from reading too much books in as much as he can in a single day. The kind of person who always stay inside.

That's a big misconception on Alfons part. Edward seemed small, fragile and delicately elegant on a three piece suit that he always wore as everyday clothing. When the sun finally peeked on the horizon, once again Alfons didn't notice that he's been watching Edward for an hour.

That also means that Edward had been at it for almost an hour but didn't show any signs of stopping. When the morning sun illuminates Edward, that's when Alfons finally noticed the scars on Edward's upper body.

Alfons was shocked. Literally shocked. He couldn't take his eyes off Edward's body. Full of scars of every kind. Chills are running down Alfons spine at the very sight. Every imaginable scars, it was like imprinted all over each other. Burn marks, long and thin scars with stitch marks, atrophic and keloidal scars. From Edward's back to his front, even his arms are full of it. Also Edward's thick and firm abdominal and arm muscles that clearly showed that Edward have been doing this exercises for years to achieve that kind of a body.

A body that is not normal for a guy on his teens. Edward is only a mere seventeen years old guy. But his body clearly says otherwise. Speaking of hardships, experience, suffering and probably excruciating pain. Alfons always wondered how did Edward lost his limbs but never asked because it's a very private thing. But now, seeing Edward's body somewhat gave Alfons more or less the idea of the kind of life that Edward had been living up until now.

_But that body, even marred and maimed is still unbelievably beautiful…_

Edward started taking a battle stance and started fighting as if sparring with an invisible partner. His every action, every move, his agility and reflexes is such a stimulating sight. Alfons had never seen anything quite like it.

Nowadays people relied on weapons when fighting, the guns and knives. In wars there are cannons, missiles and bombs. But seeing Edward's combat stance made him feel that those modern weapon got nothing on this beautiful person before him. He had the feeling that no amount of guns or knives can take Edward down. And those weapons didn't even come close to being as beautiful and elegant.

Alfons suddenly coughed. The cold wind and sea breeze finally getting into him, Edward naturally noticed him. He walked over where Alfons is, his left hand stroking his back gently. "What's the matter Alfons? Why are you here? Its cold out here." Edward said in a tone full of concern.

"So are you Edward-san. Its cold out here but you're walking around shirtless." Alfons noted, when he finally recovered from his coughing fits.

"I'll be fine. I've been through worse. Let's sit over there." Edward motioned him to sit with him near the railings. "So, what are you doing here?" Edward ask again as he picked his everyday clothes that he pulled out of his luggage earlier and start wearing them after he wiped the sweat from his body.

"Ah nothing, I just thought I'd catch a glimpsed of the sun rising. I've been here since, so do you do this every single day, Edward-san?" No way that Alfons would tell him that he followed him and came here to watch.

"Yep. My master told us that to train the spirit, first train the body."

"Master? Like what? Fighting master?" Alfons asked with amazement.

"Oh yeah, its not very common here. Hand to hand combat is not common here, but where I came from its not very unusual." Alfons noticed that Edward had that distant look when he talked about it.

"Where did you come from? I always assumed that you're born and raised in Germany, I mean your hair color is very European so I wouldn't have thought otherwise. But I guess your eyes are different. I've never seen such eyes before. Gold." Alfons is trying to make Edward talk about himself by asking some off handed questions. He wanted to know everything about this person next to him.

"Where did I come from? Good question. But you probably wouldn't believe me If I told you. I came from a place called Amestris. And about my eye color, probably the only the people who have these eyes are only me, Hoenheim and…" There's a few seconds paused before Edward uttered the word "Al…"

That name pricked Alfons heart. A name that Edward uttered repeatedly the night before with longing and sadness. Although terrified to bring up what happened the night before, Alfons wouldn't miss this chance to ask. "I've never heard of a place called Amestris before. Who's Al?"

"Of course you didn't. Amestris is from another world. The world where I came from, there's no science like we have here. Instead there's alchemy. And Al is…my brother." Edward said, looking away. Alfons knows that Hoenheim is Edward's father. Everybody in that area knows that. The father and son with golden eyes. But everybody also knows that Hoenheim only had one child and that's Edward. At the very least that's what Hoenheim's story when they moved here a few years ago.

"Now, now… You're just pulling my leg aren't you, Edward-san?" Alfons chuckled. Well Edward had always been a serious person, but downright joking like this is a bit too much. "Everyone knows that you're an only child. And you came from another world? What does that make you? Alien? And how did you come here? Using advanced space rockets? Then teach us how to make a perfect rocket, Edward-san.." Alfons laugh. Then he belatedly noticed that Edward had that more serious than usual expression.

"Hah, I knew you wouldn't believe me. But to me Al is… the most important person in my life.." AS Edward said that, sincerity is evident on his voice and Alfons once again found himself being gripped by jealousy and rage. Regardless whether Al is Edward's real brother or not, is out of the question. The point is that Edward's feelings for that person is real and it is love.

"Then, tell me what kind of world did you come from and things about your brother.." Alfons said indulgently, although he's far from believing Edward. But to Edward, his stories are real. And to deny them is to deny Edward's sanity. As Edward told him every painstaking detail where alchemy existed, Alfons came to contemplate many things. If that world is real, then there are other worlds? It defies every theories and knowledge that Alfons knows. As a scientist he couldn't accept those things as facts, but as Edward's friend he knows in his heart that Edward is telling the truth.

"Then Edward-san, you haven't told me yet why do you still hone your combat skills. What do you do in Amestris?" Alfons asked. One of the occasional questions he asked as they spend the morning listening to Edward's story of another world.

"Listen and be surprised, I'm a state alchemist. We are like soldiers or something but a scientist as well. But instead of science that you're used to, we used alchemy.." Alfons had never seen Edward be so enthusiastic and happy about telling stories about himself before. Edward always struck him as a serious person who doesn't talk a lot but likeable enough. Those stories are hard to swallow, but seeing Edward this happy and enthusiastic about something is worth listening to those stories. Its like seeing another side of Edward he never knew existed. The mature and serious Edward, turning into a young boy who loved boasting and Alfons found that very charming and loveable.

"So you're a soldier? Then those scars?" Alfons asked reluctantly. Although Edward is willing to talk about himself it doesn't mean he's willing to talk about his body scars, but he asked anyway. He'd always wanted to know.

"Ah well you could say from my job. I've been running around all over the country with Al trying to find the Philosopher's stone, I'm receiving research funds under that pretense. But I occasionally accept mandatory missions from the military like subduing terrorist or hunting down Class A criminals and you could probably imagine how dangerous those jobs can be.

A bit of sadness pass through Edward's gazed as he said the word 'philosopher's stone' but he didn't question that any further. Even here, they know what philosopher's stone or what alchemy is. But those things disappeared and replaced by modern science. "Oh yeah, Edward-san, I can imagine." Alfons said with that carefree smile of his and Edward's eyes became fixated to his face.

"You know, you look a lot like my brother Al… And he would have probably turned into a fine person like you if he grew up.." A pang of rage and jealousy assaulted Alfons once again. But Edward didn't talk about Al and Amestris after he said those words. He just stayed silent and kept staring in the wide horizon.

_No Edward-san, I'm not the kind of person you think I am. I want to you. I want to possess you. Even if these feelings hurt you, I still want to make you mine._

Edward got up and said "Let's go eat breakfast. Its all good and well that you recovered from sea sickness you have to eat something.." Edward said.

"Go ahead Edward-san, I'll be right behind you. I'll take a good look of the sea for a while.."Alfons said. Even for a few minutes, he wanted to be alone to contemplate about his feeling for Edward.

"Okay, I'll wait for you.."Then Edward walked away…

Gazing at the ocean calmed Alfons down. His feelings are in turmoil. Thinking that Edward like him because he looked like his brother Al is too much. Too painful to bear. Truth really hurts. He wanted to keep dreaming that Edward genuinely like him as he is.

_So I'm just a replacement, eh?_

He was overcome by laughter and he laughed there alone while facing the ocean. Then he was suddenly wracked by the pain in his chest and he coughed a few times. He tasted bile and iron from his mouth. When he take a good look on his palm, he saw drops of blood.

**DISCLAIMERS:**

**I don't own FMA. Anybody still reading this? Please review and feel free to give your constructive criticisms and suggestions. Thanks for reading^_^**

**I hope this chapter didn't bore you. I'm still building up Alfons hatred and rage. And how he would finally break down and succumbed to insanity when he finally found out he's only got little time left. Just like the saying even a timid animal would bite when cornered.**


	6. Chapter 6

_Blood_

A scarlet liquid tinged Alfons palm and as he stare at it uncomprehendingly, he was wracked by another coughing fits though not as bad as last time. No blood this time, but the sudden dizziness rendered him unable to move on the deck. He's losing grip. His visions are getting blurry.

He didn't realize that he's stayed on the deck way too long. For Edward suddenly appeared before him, concern written all over his face. Alfons felt good about it, that this person before him is showing some care and affections. Sometimes it's nice being sick.

"Hey?! What happened?! You told me you'd be coming right away and its almost half an hour.." Edward helped Alfons on his feet for he's already staggered sideways on the railing. As big as Alfons is, Edward managed to lift him up his fit.

Alfons had to marvel on Edward's inhuman strength. The situation is something he found funny, as sick as he is. As Edward fully support him to get into their room. "Did you get sea sick again?" Edward asked, frowning.

"Yeah, something like that, Edward-san.. I'm sorry for the trouble.." Alfons said. But he didn't mean it. He was glad that Edward is very concerned on his well-being.

_Even though I'm just a replacement.._

It's a very negative and very bitter truth. But it's the truth nonetheless. Somehow or another, Alfons had to find a way to make do with that. Even if he had to exploit the very face, the very built and the very body he was born with.

_How far can I fall?_

Even though Alfons is not sure what was wrong with him, that thought is pushed aside at the back of his mind. All he could think about is the person before him. As long as he could get his attention his sickness could wait until they reach Romania. Its not like they can do so much in the middle of the ocean, thousand miles away from the nearest shore.

_Exploit Edward-san…_

That's the only things running through his brilliant mind, aside from rockets. As long as he could make Edward his, what does it matter? All the attention, all the caring and all the loving… He wanted everything to be his.

Edward brought a light breakfast on their cabin and as usual fuzzing all the details of the menu. But that was his own way of caring for him, of loving him. Sometimes it was easy and much simpler to deceive himself that he's the one Edward cares about. It was a lot simpler to fall for the lie for what it was than accepting the painful truth.

"Edward-san.. I don't feel too good. Will you stay with me?" Holding Edward left wrist that is currently wiping his sweat off his chest. Alfons asked in a very low tone that indicates that he absolutely do not feel well at all. He didn't think this could work even for a second. But then, Edward looked at him again with that kind of eyes he had on, the night before. The gloriously golden eyes that put the sunshine on shame with its wonderful golden hue.

_Breathtakingly beautiful…_

Edward frowned for a bit, maybe about to protest but finally relented. "Okay, if you say so. I'll just read a book here. Tell me if you need anything." Edward got a chair and sit next to Alfons. While Alfons occasionally asked Edward questions about Amestris and his brother.

Edward would adapt that melancholic look when he's talking about another world. Then hearing about his brother is painful too. But Edward would always looked at him from time to time, and during that fleeting moment, it was as if the time stopped and the world belongs to them alone.

"Edward-san, I want to whisper something in your ear.." Alfons said..

"What is it? Geez, we're the only people here." Though he said that, Edward leaned his ear to Alfons face. Then Alfons suddenly took hold of Edward's head and kissed his lips lightly. After a few seconds, Edward jerked back.

"W-What was that for?"Edward exclaimed, his left hand on his lips.

"You're just so adorable Edward-san. Didn't your brother do that to you too?" Alfons asked teasingly. Though the kiss meant a lot to him. He did that whimsically, because Alfons probably had a pretty good idea that Edward will forgive him for anything. The saving grace of being a replacement to Edward's beloved brother, he could take advantage of Edward's affections.

"H-He didn't." Edward said, blushing furiously..

"Is that so, Edward-san… What do you see me as?" Alfons asked, unable to stand it any longer. He really wanted to know, he really wanted to hear, the truth coming from Edward's own mouth. Although he already got a pretty much idea what Edward is going to say.

"Like a beloved brother.." Edward said earnestly..

"Is that so, I love you Edward-san.." Alfons maybe spoke those three words out of the mild fever that he's currently suffering from. Either way, he had never been more honest on his entire life than he is now.

Edward's eyes widened at those words. Though it was filled with happiness. "Wh-What are you saying?" Edward said, totally embarrassed.

"Nothing Edward-san.."_Just plain truth._ Alfons wanted to add but stopped himself. Then when he looked at Edward's face, he was crying. "W-Why, Edward-san?"

"N-Nothing, I just missed my brother." Edward hastily wiped his tears with his hands.

"Okay.."

"Alfons.."

"What?"

"Thank you.." Edward finally said and leaned to kiss Alfons forehead. Then for a moment, they didn't say anything after that. Edward resumed reading his book and Alfons drift into a comfortable sleep with Edward by his side..

_How I wish these simple moments could last forever…_

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_I love you.._

Those three words kept ringing on Edward's ears even after Alfons already fell asleep. Those three words that made him so unbelievably happy and satisfied. Those three words that is very apparent on his brother Alphonse actions and affections but never put into words.

If there is such thing as satisfaction in human, then this must be it. Although Edward knows that Alfons is probably delirious or just plain sick to utter those words, he was touched and happy nonetheless.

As he watch Alfons comfortable figure as he slept, Edward kept remembering Alphonse as an armor that never slept. Instinctively, Edward left hand lift to touch Alfon's face and stroking his cheek.

_I wonder if Al also felt the same way. Just as smooth, just as warm and just as human.._

Again, Edward is filled with regret and remorse. What he did to his brother and for what he did to their mother. He still can't forgive himself. As long as he lives, he'll never forget. As long as he didn't see Alphonse restored on his human body, he'll never be able to forgive himself.

_To my brother, whom I love more than life itself…_

Absent mindedly, Edward's hand also wondered through Alfons neck, then chest.. Going lower…lower…lower… lower.. Then Edward suddenly jerked his left hand back. He was remembering something he was not supposed to rember.

The things he shared with Alfons, he was like a brother to Edward, But most of the time he always forget that Alphonse is on the other side of the gate. And the Alfons here is probably nothing but a replica of his brother. He already knows that, and yet… there are things in life that couldn't be stopped even if his life depended on it. One of those is his growing affections to Alfons.

_Oh, how I've always longed to touch my brother.. Smell him and fell his warm._

Those simple longings are being channeled to the person obliviously sleeping on the bed. How guilty he felt. This kind of feeling and longing is a kind of betrayal to his own brother and Alfons. How he wanted it and desired it with every fiber of his being. The feelings couldn't be more profound..

_I want you.._

But instead, Edward settled on ruffling Alfons's hair. Tears are rolling out of his eyes silently. It was both painful and satisfying to be like this with the person next to him. He wanted to atone for everything. He wanted to atone for every single mistake, for the time that Alphonse had lost and for being a failure of a brother.

_I love you.._

Though Edward is getting confused and disoriented to whom those words are directed to. Is it for his beloved brother? Or is it for the person sleeping next to him? Most of the time, it was easy to meld them both together. Alphonse and Alfons being the same would bring a lot of peace of mind to Edward.

_For I am just a mere human, that's why I would accept anything that would make me happy.._

Edward leaned his head and kissed Alfons lips. He's still asleep.

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Alfons is already conscious for quite a while now. Edward probably didn't notice but they have been there for half a day. Way past lunch. He awoke halfway through Edward's hand exploring him. He had to wonder what all of that meant.

Maybe there is more to Al than being Edward's brother. The way he touch him is almost like the way he would touch your beloved lover. He touched him gently, kindly and passionately, but Edward cried afterwards and he had to wonder about that too.

_If I could become your brother, would you love me?_

That thought lingers on Alfons's mind and kept haunting him, persuading him and telling him that if it's the only way that Edward would look at him, why not? Its wrong and its twisted, but this misguided love is already doomed from the start. So how far can he fall?

**DISCLAIMERS:**

**I don't own FMA.. Thanks for reading^_^**

**Okay, I too think that this chapter is too dramatic.. But I think it's one of the needed elements. Alfons is falling deeper and deeper and Edward is falling, too? Haha.. Are you people still reading this? Please review if you do. Please look forward to rape once Alfons is diagnosed in Romania^_^ I already see the ending and you too probably. It's bound to be a sad one. But if people requested it, I might revise it to a happy ending. I'm open to constructive criticisms and suggestions. Once again, thank you..**


	7. Chapter 7

_XAlphonse ElricX_

_The colonel would seek them out in the middle of the night on the military dormitory. It was one of those rare times that they would happen to be on the vicinity of Colonel Roy Mustang's jurisdiction. Maybe it only happened a few times a year._

_Out of dislike to Colonel, Nii-san would go out of his way to avoid him. Most of the people in the military think that the mutual dislike is only because the Colonel is such a manipulative bastard or speculations like they're just too much alike that's why they couldn't get along._

_But I, Alphonse Elric knew the truth…_

_It's not really a mutual dislike. In fact Colonel is fond of Nii-san. Way too fond to even be called normal. What with the abnormal surveillance that 'always' allow the Colonel to know where they are and what they were doing 'all the time'. It's not normal, especially when the people watching them are not from military as they always suspected._

_For one, only the Colonel knows what they were up to and nobody else. They could only assume that the Colonel is paying some people to 'stalk' them 24/7. Surveillance doesn't involved scrutinizing taking note what they do on their private time and those knowledge are the Colonel's trump card._

_For Nii-san, he doesn't hate the Colonel. Despite everything that most people can see from them, my brother had always felt indebted to the Colonel. The Colonel is the one who recruit Nii-san as a State Alchemist, the person who gave him hope when he lost everything. The person who once again gave Nii-san a reason to keep on living and keep on fighting is the Colonel, not me._

_I never told a single soul, but the truth is..I hate Colonel Roy Mustang. I hate him so much I could kill him._

_As the Colonel made his way in the military dormitory, Nii-san and I are expecting him. He only gave us a short notice this afternoon through a message sent by some lowly soldier. Nii-san couldn't really escape the Colonel, they only arrived a few hours earlier._

_But then again, why should the Colonel missed the rare opportunity to see Nii-san? I could almost sympathize with him, because I do understand the kind of effect that Nii-san had for people like the Colonel who's also swallowed by the ghost of his past and seeing Nii-san made him momentarily forget even for a short while._

_The Colonel will be here any moment, a few minutes before midnight. Alphonse volunteered to wait outside the door of their dormitory. Whatever it is, it's not like he's allowed to be on the same room when the Colonel arrived. He specifically came just to see Nii-san, and seeing them together would only make it painful for him._

_Any second now, he'll arrive. Colonel is a very prompt person. Given his perfectionist personality, punctuality is another law that he's religiously following. True to his personality, Alphonse heard the quiet footstep of a trained military man, creaking on the wooden floor of the old dormitory._

_With his clean shaven appearance, dark piercing gaze and baby face visage, he's the very picture of a very attractive and sophisticated man on his prime of life. As he elegantly walk in the corridor, it only made Alphonse more aware how young and incapable he is to his brother._

_When Colonel came near Alphonse, he automatically opened the door for him. It's the midnight after all. It would cause unnecessary rumors if the army got a wind on a high ranked official such as the Colonel visiting the Fullmetal on his dormitory at midnight._

_The Colonel mouthed the word 'thank you' and kept proceeding inside their small dormitory that only consist of three rooms. The small living room and kitchen, the bedroom and the toilet. The colonel's crisply ironed military uniform, long black overcoat and white gloves that he wore, fit the Colonel like a second skin ,that made him so out of place in the old dormitory._

_Again, Alphonse was wracked with insecurities. The Colonel could provide his brother, the sense of security that he so badly needs on his life, as well as an adult figure to rely on and care for him. Though it was quite different from what people may imagine._

_After all, the Colonel had an ulterior motives for taking good care of them.._

"_Ah, still lively as ever I see, Fullmetal."_

"_So are you, Colonel Bastard.."_

"_You've outdone yourself this time, yet again Fullmetal. You're giving me a hard time writing down a report and covering up for you when you half destroyed South City with your infamous rampage…"_

_And then the Colonel went on a long list of complains addressed to the Colonel and actually meant for Edward. He tried to mute the Colonel's voice. Its always the same. Nothing really changed. The bottom line would always be the same. That Edward had to compensate the Colonel somehow, for all the trouble._

_That's how the Colonel took advantage of his brother. With a little bit of information about the philosopher's stone, some connections regarding well-known people and a protection against higher ups when they messed up, something that is happening in everyday occurrence. And the Colonel would have the access in my brother's body, under the pretense of equivalent trade._

_And his brother, too desperate to even care would even sell his soul to the devil just to get a little bit closer to their objective, to regain his body. He knows, of course he knows that Edward is doing all these just for him. And it's painful to watch Edward destroy himself in the process._

_Alphonse already stopped hearing conversations a while ago. 'It' probably already started. He entered the dormitory as silent as he can manage with his heavy armor body, since they probably entered the bedroom anyway._

_Then he was surprised that the door to the bedroom is slightly ajar and he can see clearly. They're probably in a hurry. Or maybe they don't regard Alphonse as another human being that would care if they're seen. Any of those alternative cause a stabbed of pain through Alphonse chest. Although he doesn't have a body capable of feeling physical pain, he's capable of being hurt from the inside._

_From the door he could see the dignified and elegant Colonel losing himself in pleasure to Edward's body. The Colonel looking all disheveled and sweaty. No trace of the cunning and meticulous person who came earlier. The charismatic and calm person is now gone._

_Replaced with this hungry beast who's apparent with anyone who could see that he's clearly smitten with Nii-san. Somehow, Alphonse could feel the intensity of the Colonel's feelings. He wanted to possess Nii-san, just like I do. Maybe in any other circumstances he would have been nice and caring unconditionally. But knowing Nii-san, the Colonel probably came to the conclusion that as long as he didn't do anything drastic to make Edward remember, he would just as soon forget._

_Alphonse understood, because that's how Edward is. Without the pain to remind him, he would just as soon forget. And the way that the Colonels held him right now, he looked like in pain, though not a word of complain could be heard from him. He's actually feeling good._

_Nii-san always feels good when a pain is involved. Because that's how he always made himself feel better about me, who's suffering. He derived pleasure from pain because Nii-san only felt truly comfortable when it's so painful, its drowning all the guilt he felt about everything._

_As he witnessed that scene, for a fleeting moment, Alphonse knows that those scene would forever be etched on his mind like a curse. Hating Edward and Colonel, that's all he's capable of. Because those feelings should've been rightfully his and Nii-san is not meant to be touched and soiled by those hands._

_I want to kill him.. Feel his breath died down on his chokehold. Feel his heart stop. I hate the Colonel so much I curse him, in every single day that he lives and breathes and sleep and eat. As long as I live I shall never forget and this grudge would always leave on, inside of me.._

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Alfons woke up, panting and sweating heavily because of a dream he couldn't quite remember. Like a fog, it was almost on his arms reach and it would dissipate and disappear as he tried to take a hold of it. He woke up feeling a strong rage and hatred building up inside of him.

It was weird, almost as if he's remembering something and he's being mad about it. And he was sure it was about Edward and another world. Maybe he had too much of Edward's stories lately. He's being really talkative nowadays about the other world.

_Amestris? Another world?_

Sometimes, it would have been easier for Alfons to dismissed Edward's story of the world he came from as nothing more than a figment of his imagination, than accept the alternative. They're both scientist, and Edward should know, of all people that he's defying the law of science by even claiming to believe in such things like alchemist and parallel worlds without scientific basis.

But it was different with Edward because he actually claimed that he'd been there. He used to live there. Those are the things that Alfons kept on himself as he truly pondered about Edward's sanity. But when they're together he always forget about such worries and kept on spending his carefree days with Edward.

Other than Edward's sanity, Alfons is more concerned where his feelings truly came from. This might sound insane to other people but the things he felt and the things he do for Edward doesn't truly felt like his feelings alone. It was like being driven by a greater power and he was force to just stand back and let it take over.

The more he get closer to Edward, the more he's no longer feeling quite himself. He loves Edward, he was certain of that. But he's satisfied to just watch over him and stay by his side. But, most of the time, he would be caught in a moment and he would find himself having an inexplicable urge to hurt Edward.

Alfons tried to put those things at the back of his mind. In two days they'll be docking in Romania and everything would become different then. He could look forward in learning rocketry, astronomy and physics with Edward. They'll be seeing many interesting things that Romania has to offer.

Most of the time, it was a lot more easier to just dream of the good future ahead of them, instead of thinking about complicated things like his growing obsession for Edward, parallel worlds and Al, Edward's brother.

As he gazed at Edward's serious form when reading a book, he's falling inlove all over again to this charming, caring and very intelligent person next to him. And not for the first time did he wished that things shouldn't have been complicated between them.

_Because I want to spend today, tomorrow, the day after that and the next day after that with Edward by my side. I want to be with him as long as I'm breathing._

**Disclaimers:**

**I don't own FMA. Thanks for reading^_^**

**Now it's Royed..! I got loads of idea. Somebody in the reviews asked about Alphonse and I've been thinking hard how to include him. Then I watched the movie once again and I kinda figured that Alfons and Al had some sort of connection. Please don't hate me for being inconsistent. I've been quite busy these past few days and I couldn't post another chapter as often as I did before, so sorry. For my reviewers, thank you very much..! You're the source of my inspirations. If you're still reading this, please review. Constructive criticisms and suggestions are very much welcome.**


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